6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?