I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely