gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
dutch is not a serious language
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert