“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”