[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.