My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
dam girl
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.