hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to