I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Don’t snitch tag.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
pep talk
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My safe word is Worcestershire
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.