[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.