Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*