When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
twitter users today:
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Safety first
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies