One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.