Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe