Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus