Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.