I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Seems a bit forward
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”