Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits