Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
#titanic