Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
You Might Also Like
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
what the
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Hey i am sexy to you now
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.