Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?