[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
i spent way too long on this
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.