I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity