I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks