Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.