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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this