Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy