“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Monday
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My love language is hissing.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.