Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.