my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
The asteroid..
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.