Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
⚠️ Important Reminder:
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Not helping
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
That’s classic.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague