If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The Assassin.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now