Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
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‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
kids play hide and seek like
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go