All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Oh my God.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.