Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
haha same
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
it be like that
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.