I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table