Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.