I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Blew out my flip flop…
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.