Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*