[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong