has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
i really liked this one
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I think something went wrong here?!🤔