Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
You Might Also Like
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My inexpensive home security system…
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.