[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Who chose this font
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.