Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep