I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly