I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I am HOWLING at this
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Tastes like chicken.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂