It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.