Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s