I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
How dramatic are you?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?