The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.