* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
You Might Also Like
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
this FaceApp is creepy af
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.